Sunday, June 29, 2008

If You Could See Her As I Do

"I need gorilla boots” says James.
I’m confused. What self-respecting gorilla suit doesn’t come with those simian footies?
“Not boots, boobs. I want her to look more like a girl gorilla.”
She's wearing a dress and a hat and carrying a purse, but James likes to jazz things up. He's spent the last week, trying out looks for a minute-long walk-on as Taxi Man. Glasses? Mustache?
"Can I have a flask and he could take a swig out of it?"
"No. And take off that wig, you look like Albert Einstein."
But the gorilla does have a whole musical number, so-
“I think we could do that. Let’s go look.”
“And I pick Jeff up, so they shouldn’t smash in.”
Large, non-smashable gorilla boobs- got it.

We determine that, gorilla-suited up, James wears a 44” bra. The best I can do, at Ross, is a 42D.( Nobody wears a 44A unless they’re an Eastern European swimmer on steroids.) I also picked up a pair of 3XXX briefs, because James thinks it would be funnier if the gorilla had panties. You're deep in the zone if you're standing in the discount store on Saturday morning weighing the comedic merits of two pair of enormous Delta Burke drawers. Light blue with silver stars? Or lime green lace?

For the record: how to make non-smushable fake mammaries, gorilla or otherwise.
1)Measure the interior of the cup, lengthwise and crosswise. Measure the back of the cup, ditto.
2) Cut a circle of fabric, using the second set of measurements, adding a ½“ seam allowance. Cut a circle of fabric using the smaller of the first set of measurements, ditto. Fold these in quarters and snip to mark in fourths.
3) Run a gathering seam along the outer edge of the larger circle. Matching notches, pin the two circles together and stitch in a ½” seam. Trim seam allowance.
4) Cut a slit in the middle of the small circle and turn RSO.
5) Weight bags: cut a rectangle of fabric the width and depth of the fake breast. Fold this in half lengthwise and sew the side seams in a ¼” seam. Sew halfway across the open top. Fill the bag with poly pellets- about 1 cup, more or less. Sew the rest of the top closed.
6) To stabilize the weight, lay the bag flat and distribute the pellets evenly. Using a long needle and heavy thread, sew across the middle of the bag by hand.
7) Stuff the front of the fake with some fiberfill, then insert the weight bag into the bottom half. Continue stuffing with fiberfill until the fake is nice and firm. The back circle should still be flat. When it’s stuffed sufficiently, sew the slit in the back closed by hand.
8) Baste or safety pin the fake into the bra., weighted side down.
I only made one, so we can test it out and make improvements.


QP said...

measure cut stitch stuff
fiberfill and poly pills
wala prototype!

James is fun too.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Ga ha ha! This is too funny, Sal!
I bet the folks at the craft store were wonderin' "what in the world is she workin' on?" :^)

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Oops. Sorry about the double post.
I got too impatient.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

BTW, Sal, it's good to see you postin' again!
I love your stories!

Sal said...

It was more a case of "how to make prostethic gorilla breasts out of things you have around the house".
And I think the discount store people have seen everything...

WordGirl said...